Friday, February 17, 2012

Broken

I feel broken today. Too much has happened in such a short time – my delusion of security has disintegrated. Its different than before; yet, it is the same continuum. In one shattering slam after another, the illusion implodes.

I don’t think anything’s wrong with me (well, besides the usual idiosyncrasies). I just feel confused, lonely, irritated, distracted, discombobulated. . .sad. I just don’t feel right. And the usual soothing mechanisms don’t do it for me – nor do I want to engage with that behavior – shopping, eating, drinking – because the excess doesn’t comfort any longer.

I open the fridge door and stare. What am I looking for? I’m not hungry.

I walk through the mall and just feel lost. I don’t need anything – I don’t really want anything, either. Oh, sure, I could find a hundred things I think I want, but in the end, its not the thing I want right now. If I really wanted an Ipad, I’d be excited about shopping for it, but its not what I really want.

I want comfort. I want to comfort myself and I’m failing. I can’t seem to get my mind right. I don’t know what else to do, so I’m giving myself permission to follow my nose today – what I do may not have been the plan or on the to do list, but I need to let my instincts prevail. Just for today. Just for this moment.

I need to let it be. I don’t want to feel what I’m feeling so I’m trying to cover it up. I feel my shoulders hunched, curled protectively around my heart. My stomach is tight, pulled in and concave. My tailbone is tucked under, like a contrite dog. Not only are my legs crossed tightly, but my foot is wrapped around my calf, like eagle pose. My chin is tucked tight to my chest and my neck aches from it.

Its hard to sit with my emotions, letting them ebb and flow with my breath. Its frightening to not resist. But music helps me be with what I’m feeling, engage with it, and then let it go with the last notes of the song.



Broken by Evanescense



I wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain. . .away
I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain . .away

Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
You’ve gone away. You don’t feel me here. . .anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain. . .away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high, and steal your pain. . .away

Cause I’m broken when I’m open, and I don’t feel like. . .
I’m strong enough.
Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away. . .

Cause I’m broken when I’m open and I don’t feel like. . .
I’m strong enough.

Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
You’ve gone away, you don’t feel me here. . .anymore