Thursday, July 12, 2012

You're No Angel and I'm no Saint

    There’s no need to lie.  Be honest.  Yet, who hasn’t told a lie at some point?  Maybe it was to protect a friend’s feelings, maybe it was to save our butt. Regardless of the reason, we have told lies. I have told lies, even to myself, at times.  Weird, huh?  Or maybe not.  I don’t know.

    These are the thoughts going through my head this morning, and I am lost in a little bit of the great conundrum of right and wrong, good and evil, yes and no, truth and lies.  Is there an ultimate truth to our existence? Is it simply that what is, is?  I keep coming back to that and my head is spinning with the complexity my mind can create.

     When I sit still in meditation, it all seems so basic, so clear. What is, is.  In the moment, light shines or darkness beckons, breath flows in, breath flows out.  My nose itches.  My butt’s sore.  My knee aches.  The world, the universe is one connected matrix of life. It’s all chaos, with no purpose or duty. It’s all an illusion. Suffering is real. Suffering is unnecessary. Suffering is illusion. Sigh.

     When I run, like I did yesterday, with all my might until my heart pounds so hard I think it might actually break, when my lungs are on fire and it hurts to draw the next breath, my mind is clear.  I have no angst. I do not worry that people I’ve admired might actually have human frailties and make huge mistakes. I don’t worry whether I’ve over-extended myself or why I resist certain things – like cleaning my house or accepting my own responsibility when I make mistakes. I just am.  I am muscle and bone and blood pumping through arteries and veins. I am 75% water and that water is running in my eyes, down my back, down my legs, soaking my socks and hair.

     I am.  That is all. That is a great place to be – a great state to be in.  I wish I knew how to keep that state of being all the time, under all circumstances.  I can’t run all day.  I can’t meditate all day, can I?  I have to engage in real life, make dinner, wash the clothes, pay the speeding ticket, discipline my children, make love to my man, cry for my Nan when I miss her so much my throat closes, put lavender and arnica gel on my son’s knee scrape, write my heart.

     I guess I’ll continue to “follow my heart and act real bold, just like Ghandi,” as MC Yogi raps. For now.

     Namaste, beautiful friends.


  1. Oh, hon...all these confused feelings just means one thing: you're human! Thank God that we can feel these feelings and ask difficult questions and still pay the bills, clean house, discipline kids, etc...I find that when I'm not engaged in an activity, my mind goes in circles just like yours. I guess just doing the next right thing is all we can do in any given moment. Namaste.

  2. Thanks, Amy! This is why I write. To reach out and to connect when these moments hit. It's been an interesting week, and today was just a culmination of all my ruminations. lol! Thank you for your beautiful and kind words. Love and light to you.