My life is constantly changing, and apparently so are the colors of my aura. Today, I'm noticing a propensity for blue, the unique sky blue, slightly turquoise of the throat chakra, also known as Vishuddha. This is the energetic center of cleansing and creative expression. And it all makes sense as I revisit its meaning and purpose.
I struggled with keeping a writing schedule as I traveled this summer, as well as staying true to myself despite the resistance from friends and family. For instance, I've known for a while that I really need to let go of some limiting beliefs about what was the right thing to do and it all hit home for me last week at the YogaFit Mind-Body Conference in Austin, Texas. Little did I consciously acknowledge that I would be dealing with healing my own emotional issues when I signed up for Healing Emotional and Physical Trauma with yoga, as well as Yoga for Warriors.
Both courses immersed me in the world of healing trauma, and I found myself drowning in the repercussions. But for once, I wasn't being asked to talk about my problems. I was being asked to let the feelings emerge. Oy vey. Not comfortable, at all. While I focused on the sensations in my body, strong swells of sadness, fear and helplessness overtook me and more than once I considered running away.
But I am glad I didn't. While the experience crescendoed with a full-blown panic attack alone in my hotel room, 1400 miles from my loved ones at 2:00 am, I can't say it was a totally bad thing. After considering whether I needed to go to the ER (if you've never had a panic attack, think restricted breath, profuse sweating and shakes, as well as a feeling of impending insanity and death), I unfurled my yoga mat and laid down on my back, knees bent, feet planted firmly on the floor. I rested my hands on my low belly and breathed the way we did in class the previous day.
I dug out my balancing essential oil blend and soothed my terrified amygdala by rubbing the oil on the back of my neck. Then, I lowered my knees and pressed my feet together into reclined butterfly pose. Lifting my knees just two inches, I began to shake uncontrollably. It was a fierce, rattling sensation that went from my knees to my inner thighs, into my pelvis, and eventually all the way up my spine. When the shakes subsided, I lifted my knees two inches higher until the shakes began, again.
I did this until I could breath, again, and then cried myself to sleep. It was cleansing. While I didn't sleep all that well--after waking up too many times to count, I gave up and watched episodes of Veronica Mars--I was better.
Exhausted, but better.
I am realizing right now that during that ordeal I was forced to let go of the limiting belief that I would fall apart if I had to endure those repressed feelings. I let go of the limiting belief that I was not strong enough. I let go of the limiting belief that I needed anyone else to validate me. While I'd rather not have that exact experience again, I survived. I didn't go crazy and I took care of myself.
I spent one more day in the world of yoga and healing and then could not wait to head home. And here I am, still trying to figure out what it is I need to do next, but a few things are very, very clear. I must keep writing. I must keep talking to you. I must keep opening myself up to new experiences. I must keep my throat chakra spiraling in the right direction. I must be true to myself.
All my love and light to each of you who suffers with your own emotional and physical wounds. You are not alone. You are so not alone.
As always, comments would be greatly appreciated. I love hearing from you.
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