Sunday, February 23, 2014

Masochistic Tendencies OR Why am I Afraid to Let My Light Shine?

I know its none of my business, but what is up with our strange need to torture ourselves?  Why do we shop til we drop, agonize over weight, appearance, grades, finances, our work, our art, being right, etc. etc. etc.  And we each have our poison don't we? That thing we torture ourselves over.  Maybe you're a painter and no painting is ever good enough.  Maybe you're a tax account and lay awake at night wondering if you missed something.

Maybe you tie yourself up in knots over being kind enough, happy enough, patient enough.  A good enough wife, mother, boyfriend, son, grocery bagger.  Well, I feel your pain.  I doubt I've met a person who couldn't empathize with this strange, painful habit.  And the ones who insist they are perfectly happy and I don't know what I'm talking about, I keep my eye on them. O.o

Do we like this masochistic behavior? Do we like the pain and agony we bring on ourselves?  Oooo, better yet, how about inviting someone to do it for us? Oh, yeah. I can see your eyes rolling back in your head at the thought.  Let's put ourselves out there and see how bad it can get. *choked moan of pleasure*  Nothing feeds the pain monster like a little creative BDSM, me thinks.  We like it in some bizarre way.  (No offense to those who enjoy sexual BDSM; just using it as a metaphor for our sado-masochistic tendencies)

We must like it, or why else do we indulge so damn often? *raises hand*  I'll be honest. I have been torturing myself for days over my latest WIP (work in progress).  The first draft is complete and I'm sick over this and that and the other thing. I have gone so far with my overthinking that I am now in the negative nether regions:  My work is crap. I am crap. All is crap.  Shitty mantra to be repeating, isn't it?

And if that isn't enough, I've invited people I know are good at tearing into me a sneak peek. Spank me harder.

My stomach hurts and all I want to do is curl up and watch endless reruns of Doctor Who.  Now there's a great show! The writers are fantastic, the actors are fun...why can't I write like that?! *simpers*

Yeah, I know. Disgusting. *rolls eyes at self*

The truth is, this is all about ego and our learned need for pain.  It may not feel good, but we're conditioned for it.  Our egos are these incredibly fragile things.  They crave validation over and over...its endless! There's never enough praise, thoughtful feedback, or kudos to satisfy it's bottomless void of need.  Ick!  And when there's not enough praise, we succumb to the dark need to torture ourselves.

Whenever my thoughts turn to "not being good enough", I know its my ego talking and NOT my soul.  You know why?

Because our souls don't worry about what other's think or even if our work or art is good enough or even palatable to everyone.  Our souls do what we're here on this earth to do and enjoy it.  Our souls grin every time we paint a picture, write a story, balance a check book--if that's what we're meant to be doing.  Our souls know that we are enough as we are in any given moment, that we are perfect in our imperfection and it is enough to be doing our work, our dharma, our art.

It's our damn egos that want to be spanked and humiliated. Damn, egos.

So, maybe I need to change my mantra back to: I do enough. I have enough.  I am enough.  Om Shanti.

*deep breath*

Yeah, that feels better already.

So let your light shine, even if it scares you to death. I'm going to be right there beside you, cheering you on.  You've got great things to do.  Go do them.  No one else can do what you do.

By the way, YOU do enough, too.  YOU have enough.  YOU are enough.

Om shanti shanti shanti

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